I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
