Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
