I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My day in three words: secret purse cake
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
