My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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