We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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