But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
