just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
