I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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