im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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