Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
