DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
