he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
