You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
