You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
