You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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