One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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