If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
