so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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