Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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