I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
