I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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