I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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