she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
