I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
