Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
