I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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