I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
