After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
