I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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