I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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