I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just gargled with NyQuil
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
