I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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