when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
