I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
