u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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