it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
