I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
