I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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