i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
