I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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