my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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