Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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