So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
