you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
