i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
