idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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