Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
