I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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