yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
