I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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