Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
